Live Ranking

TOP TIRSCH

The definitive ranking of the Tirsch triplets.

S
Cuddles
F
Noah
S
#1 Jake Tirsch The undisputed champion
A
#2 Hannah Tirsch A worthy runner-up
B
#3 Zach Tirsch Still in the top three
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Introducing Top Tirsch Pro

Topper.

Tirscher.

Better.

$5 a month

By the numbers

Rankings so precise
they're basically physics.

3
Tirsches indexed. Every single one of them.
99.97%
Ranking accuracy, verified by exactly one person.
0.003ms
Average tier-lookup latency. Faster than blinking.
6
Tiers available. A seventh exists. You cannot have it.
∞
Theoretical ranking permutations. We checked.
1
Correct answer. You already know what it is.
Now with

Top Tirsch AI

Trained on 3 Tirsches across almost 2 decades of accumulated sibling data. It knows things. It has opinions. It will not be argued with.

◆
Predictive Tiering
Anticipates a Tirsch's tier up to 40 seconds before they've done anything wrong. Powered by 1.2 trillion parameters.
✦
Neural Loss Detection
Automatically identifies, catalogs, and archives Jake Losses in real time. Currently tracking 26 confirmed incidents with 4 more under review.
◈
Sentiment Engine
Reads the room. Understands nuance. Concludes Jake is still in F tier. Runs entirely on-device so nobody finds out.
✧
Tirsch-to-Tirsch Translation
Converts anything a Tirsch says into what they actually meant. Supports 3 dialects. Accuracy varies wildly by sibling.
Performance

Numbers you can check yourself.

367%
More Tirsch than the leading competitor.
12.4TB
Of Tirsch telemetry processed daily. Mostly screenshots.
0
Complaints received. Nobody has our email.
Pricing

One tier of service.
Obviously S.

$5 /month

Available now!

Available is not a commitment. Available is a feeling.

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Top Tirsch Pro
All systems nominal

✧ Top Tirsch AI

Trained on 3 Tirsches across almost 2 decades of accumulated sibling data.

◆ Predictive Tiering

Anticipates a Tirsch's tier up to 40 seconds before they've done anything wrong. Powered by 1.2 trillion parameters.

✦ Neural Loss Detection

Automatically identifies, catalogs, and archives Jake Losses in real time.
26
Confirmed incidents archived
4
Under review
99.97%
Detection accuracy

◈ Sentiment Engine

Reads the room. Understands nuance. Runs entirely on-device so nobody finds out.
Reading the room…

▚ Live Telemetry

Numbers you can check yourself.
367%
More Tirsch than the leading competitor.
12.4TB
Telemetry processed today. Mostly screenshots.
0
Complaints received. Nobody has our email.

Merch

Top Tirsch hoodie
Top Tirsch Hoodie
$39.99
Top Tirsch Pro hoodie
Pro Hoodie
$59.99
Jake Tirsch hoodie
Jake Tirsch Hoodie
$39.99
Zach Tirsch hoodie
Zach Tirsch Hoodie
$39.99
More drops coming soon!

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The definitive ranking of the Tirsch triplets.

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